Good news guys, we finally did it. We beat Global Warming!
Ever since learning that Al Gore had invented Global Warming in the 90’s, I have worried about the future of our planet. I’d think poorly of Al for unleashing this travesty upon us, but the internet he invented is pretty sweet… so I guess things balance out.
But I digress. Today I pulled up a weather summary of the daily temperatures from Oklahoma City. After looking at it closely, I realized that we are in the clear. Global Warming has ended and we are now cooling. In order to be hip to the current trends, I will now start referring to Oklahoma City as “OKC”. It’s what the cool kids are calling it these days.
Today, OKC had a high of 102°F. That’s pretty hot, but not as hot as the record high of 107°F for July 21sts that took place in 1939 (in the year of our lord). After doing some research, I was alarmed to find that the South Pole has been consistently cooling in temperature for a number of years now as well.
Naturally, the only rational conclusion is that this cooling has to do with the large amounts of reality television. With continued high reality television content in our televised media, we can expect to cool by 5 degrees Fahrenheit every 78 years.
(Screenshot taken from: Weather Underground, https://www.wunderground.com/ )
Some would say, ‘But V, what about all of the other possible natural things that could cause these odd temperature fluctuations?‘. To them, I say, ‘Poppycock. If we didn’t cause this through reality TV, then who did??? The penguins? In the arctic??? They don’t even have dexterous appendages necessary to staff the film crews!‘. Nay, my friends. Minor global wide temperature changes from year to year are obviously caused by humans, not any of the psychotically uncountable and largely untestable other variables that constantly affect our planet. Back when Global Warming was a thing (bet you’re glad I just ended that… you’re welcome!), you didn’t hear anyone asking Bill Nye to use the scientific method to justify his Climate Change assertions in his new Netflix series where he saves the world from….I’m not sure from what actually… but the point is: why start using logic now?
Stamp a giant red “QED” across my thoroughly justified argument for Reality TV causation of Global Cooling.
- Fact: Reality TV takes up more content in television programming every year and is more extreme in nature with each passing year. This correlates on a somewhat proportional level to the temperature changes taken from only places that support temperature changes in the manner that I want them too.
- Fact: In your face! 😛
According to my extremely precise mathing, this means we will enter an ice age in approximately 1,092 years. Considering that Reality Television is a much greater concern today than it was seven decades ago, we may experience even faster cooling than I am predicting. Consider packing a parka to work for the next few weeks. It’s the only way to be safe.
I would also recommend a class action lawsuit against California for the nuisance of causing environmental damage through Reality TV programming. Surely they will be receptive to such lawsuits.
We need to decrease our reality TV footprint before its too late. #stopglobalcooling
*editor’s note: in all seriousness, Global Warming may or may not be a thing as far as I am concerned. From what I can see, it looks more like a common rally cry used as an excuse for a money grab and/or a political soapbox used to appear more relevant for election season. Regardless of whether or not the globe is warming, we are quickly depleting the planet’s fossil fuels and we do need to find creative ways to transition to better long term energy solutions. To paraphrase Maynard Keenan, question everything and keep yourself in a vulnerable state of openmindedness when you do it. You don’t have to agree with me or anyone else on anything; think about things logically and draw your own conclusion after checking out the different sides of an argument.
Oh yeah… and I’ve finished writing and recording two (2) new Systemic Decay songs… yay, music! At this rate, I may have to release another YouTube video in August.